A tale of haleem

I get it. You want to lose weight. Hell. Been there done that, even have a defunct blog about it. I was a teeny tiny 54 kg when I got hitched. My honeymoon photos are simultaneously the joy and bane of my existence. People don't recognise me from my photos, I was THAT thin. Of course I am embarrassed beyond belief and somewhat (make that completely) humiliated, but I rejoice in the fact that I was and therefore theoretically can be that thin. Now whether I am going to get off my lazyass and do something about it remains to be seen. 

So I get it when one wants to lose weight and become all fit and fine. Hell, I wish hubs would get on that band wagon. But for the love of God, don't shove it in everyone's face yaar. Not to mention, don't make it everyone's concern either. You're the one on a diet, not us! 

Yesterday we all troop down for iftari. You know, the opening of a Muslim's fast. On an unrelated note, before 9/11 no one had a clue about Islam and now everyone is an expert. Anyhoos, we all drag our asses to the dining table when lo! What is that we see? A TUREEN full of Haleem. What is Haleem, you might wonder? Fear not, I shall enlighten thee. Haleem is a stew made from chicken (or beef) with lots of lentils. Please note that stew implies something to be devoured in winter when one is cold and in need of comfort food and not in 40-50 degree Celsius weather when everyone is trying to make love to an air conditioner. 

Now no one is a fan of haleem in the house saving myself and the FIL. Hubs can't stand it, and BIL will eat it only if its the sole item on the table. Need I mention that hubs is sick with the cold and is highly irritated (and irritating)? Plus, see note above re the weather. 

Why was said haleem made? Beloved darling SIL is on her umpteenth diet of her life. That girl takes losing weight seriously. First she almost fainted losing weight before her wedding. Total starvation plus rigorous exercise. After said wedding she went from gym to dance studio, from no carbs to only fruits. It's exhausting, and somewhat irritating. I'm jealous of her will power. In fasts she is going for gym visits and power walks. My activities involve watching BBC lifestyle and re-reading nigella lawson recipe books. 

So, getting back to the story. SIL is on a fruit and protein diet so she told the cook to make haleem for her for the next four days. Either she didn't make herself clear or the cook wasn't paying attention but what was supposed to be four meals of haleem for her turned into four meals of haleem for all of us. Now, I like my haleem but please! There's a limit. Hubs is pissed off as he could only eat pakoras and chaat. I didn't have the haleem because its flipping hot. BIL didn't touch it coz he ate chaat instead. SIL had a bowl. 

A SINGLE BOWL. 

So, yea. You want to diet, be my guest. Just don't inflict it on the rest of us. 

Is it odd that I want a bowl of haleem after writing this blogpost? 

The horror of it all

I absolutely can't stand horror. As a genre, it makes no sense whatsoever. Why would you want to be scared shitless? Aren't there enough real things to worry about, rather than have authors, producers, directors come up with new and novel ways to cause insomnia? I was 9 when Jaws came out. That night I couldn't sleep because I thought my bed was a raft and there was a hugeass fin circling it. I couldn't shower, people! At the time we were living in Dubai, in a villa on Beach Road and I was convinced, according to my dad, that a large shark would ninja its way onto the beach, across the road and curl  under my bathtub waiting for yours truly to enter the bathroom so that I could subsequently exit this world, stage left via shark. 

So I really don't watch shows such as Supernatural, Walking Dead, Vampire Diaries. I tried watching the last, but when you're forwarding every scene to see if something creepy happens, then rewinding it so that you are prepared for said creepiness, it kinda gets to be a wee bit of a drag. HOWEVER, a new appreciatiom for the newly SINGLE Ian Somerhalders cutie pie dimples and smouldering sexiness could make this chicken watch that show all over again, insomnia be damned. 

This summer, an absolute shit load of horror flicks have come out. Hubs is in seventh heaven (toba toba Ramadan) because he is an absolute horror geek. Ditto sister-in-law. From World War Z to Insiduous Part 2, from the umpteenth remake of Carrie to yet another Evil Dead film. Seriously, don't we have enough real shit happening in the world that you have to get your rocks off watching this stuff?

Another thing; what's with the remakes and redos, the part 2 up until part 21? No new ideas? Here's a thought, don't waste money making shit movies. Get an idea, a GOOD one, then make it. Don't insult yourself making flicks which years from now you will deny having anything to do with.

On a serious note, you want horror, just watch today's news. News from anywhere around the world. There's the horror people. I'd rather get scared by a mechanical shark named Bruce every day than watch today's horror, brought to you direct from CNN and Fox News, BBC and PTV. 

Olympus has fallen, and so have my film standards

Yea so hubs and I were bored, bored BORED. Nothing to do in this city, zilch, nothing, nada. So, who do we call? DVD wala! 

For the uninitiated, Pakistan has a thriving DVD piracy industry. And it's damn cheap to boot. For a mere 60 rupees, you can get the latest film. Following a show? These guys burn the episodes as soon as they are aired off in US, UK, wherever. FYI, 60 rupees is like 60 cents. Cheap and easy, just like my husband, as he's so fond of saying. Now what that comment implies as far as I'm concerned, I don't really want to know. 

So anyhoos, off to the DVD wala we go. Among the craptastic slasher movies which are a dime a dozen these days (seriously, what's with the renaissance of gore? Lousy acting, stupid story lines, low budget sets, and Godawful dialogue. Jesus wept) we find GI Joe Retaliation, and Olympus has fallen. 

Hubs wants to watch Olympus. I ignore his pleading and put on GI Joe. 2 hours later, after watching the Pakistani president die at the hands of Storm Shadow, a blind African ninja making weird swooshy movements and even weirder comments, a raid on a lair in the mountains which looks like it was borrowed from the Red Skull as a time share, some weird ninja chick who I couldn't give a single rats ass about, the most anti-climatic exit of Channing Tatum (and believe me, that's saying something), and craptastic acting by the Rock, alongside Bruce Fucking Willis doing shitall, our eyeballs went into mutiny at having been subjected to such utter horseshit. Hubs categorically stated, nay, demanded that we immediately watch Olympus Has Fallen to eradicate the travesty that was the GI Joe. I humbly acquiesced.

Oh dear. 

I think I expected too much. With actors like Aaron Eckhart, Morgan 'my voice is like manna from heaven' Freeman, and that guy in 300, I honestly thought there would be something interesting here. And yes, if you like those disaster flicks in which famous monuments/buildings are destroyed completely and utterly, then yea the bit where the White House and the Washington Monument are under fire is pretty nicely filmed. The mowing down of innocent civilians is gruesomely done and the sheer bravery and unmitigated all-star Amercian apple pie we-are-so-awesomely-brave -and-noble actions of the US Secret Service agents is highlighted beautifully. And by 'beautifully' I mean shoved in your face. Look! Look at them! See the painful yet glorious way the tall dashing agents are CALLOUSLY mowed down by the evil evil North Koreans.

The story starts out pretty ok, keeping in mind that whenever I look at Gerard Butler I imagine him screeching 'THIS.........IS..........SPARTA!'. Actually, it would have been AWESOME if he said that sometime in the movie! The presidents son is too cute, as is his code name, Sparkplug. Love it! Morgan Freeman looks good, and sounds even better, but there was no fire there. It was lacklustre. Now his acting in Invictus was legendary. That was such a beautiful epic film.

Eckhart is actually quite palatable as the US president. At least he doesn't try to do the whole bombastic patriotic over the top persona. He's calm, likeable and shows the man behind the office of the President. Rick Yune was alright, although I missed his diamonds from Die Another Day. The bits when Butler is ninjaing his way through the White House and being awesome, was pretty.....awesome? However, at the end, it was a 'meh' movie. Compared to the usual summer films, not bad. By itself, 'meh'. Less than the sum of its parts. A movie to watch, and forget. Now that's not bad for a summer flick, but with Freeman and Eckhart, I expected more.

Facebook activism

So recently I put up a Malala Yusufzai meme on Facebook. On a more accurate note, I shared a meme which some other chap had put together. Basically, it pointed out that Malala's accomplishments paled in comparison to Abdul Sattar Edhi. And then I stopped thinking about it and went back to scratching my ass and watching Bones Season 8.

4 hours later I check facebook (because I'm a bored sad loser) and I find 6 likes and 1 comment on said meme. I check it out and the comment is from this chick I knew in university who saw herself as the Che Geuvera of our times. Said chick blasted me for having no taste whatsoever, for not giving Malala her due as a 16 year old activist who was shot for her efforts and basically implied I'm pathetic and politically unaware.

Righty-o.

I considered bitching her out on Facebook, deleting her comment, or just ignoring it. After judicious discussion with bestie, I decided to ignore, delete and forget. But before I delete this utter piece of nonsense, I just want to put a few thoughts out there.

1. Everyone has a right to their opinion. I had every right to forward said meme, and she had every right to argue against said meme. But please, let's argue/discuss with dignity. No need to be sarcastic and nasty. Furthermore, no need to take the high road and imply that you are oh so socially and politically unaware and we the great unwashed masses should be grateful that you are enlightening us with your opinion. There's a style to it. You obviously don't have any, apart from sounding shrill and egotistical.

2. How easy is it for people who have left their country to sit back and carp and criticise. You took the easy way out, got a green card and fucked off. Are you sitting here and dealing with increasing taxes, shoot outs on the roads, bomb blasts near your homes? No. You're sitting pretty with your foreign passport, yet you consider yourself an expert on your former country's problems. You come once a year to bless us with your presence, can't wait to go back to civilisation, but are all too ready with your armchair activism from abroad. Please. Yes, you will argue that you are doing something, that you love your country, and yeah, that's a good point. But where are you getting your information from? The same gora newspapers? Try getting your facts right. 

3. Don't be patronising, it doesn't suit you. Plus, weren't you the one who 'loved' Osama in university?  

Try explaining that now to your gora buddies.

Toodles. 

What up

I'm back, bitches.